Marley, Brodie, Bill? Why?
Are you trying to make sense of the senseless?
I am. Is this an appropriate time and place to talk about the “senseless” things that we experience in life ? I don’t really know. But – to heal – we must talk about this tragedy.
- I don’t claim to understand the unthinkable.
- I don’t claim to be a sage about mourning and healing.
- I am just like you.
- I’m a friend.
- I’m confused and hurting and angry.
- And I want some help trying to make sense of the senseless.
I’m just like you and I know that we need to mourn our recent tragedy. Even though I have no training nor expertise in mourning. Through experience, the process I use to mourn is to talk and write and to vent and rant. And PRAY for HEALING for the living. Yes, it’s very sad, but Marley and Brodie are in a safe and comfortable place.
I do not understand what happened.
Nor do I understand WHY.
I do NOT believe that I will EVER adequately understand this tragedy.
Nor do I want to believe that God in his/her wisdom allows bad things to happen. Right or wrong – that’s how I believe.
When God gave man “free will,” I’m not sure that was such a wise decision. None of that really matters right now.
Kinds words heal and help.
Only healing matters now. For Brittnee and family and friends.
And for this shocked and struggling community.
After a tragedy, people need to mourn and to seek spiritual health and to find some level of peace within a disastrous event. People need to grieve as individuals AND as a community.
And we will all do our mourning somewhat differently. I believe our mourning eventually leads to some healing. Eventually and slowly.
Like many others, I have lost sleep and cried about this tragedy. And then cried some more.
And I have second-guessed every contact with Bill. I have mentally reviewed every phone conversation, every text, and even reread every Facebook message I had with Bill. More than once.
Angry and Confused and Feeling Guilty
Right now most of my thoughts are in the “WTF” category !!!
I am angry and confused.
- How can a GOOD God create such an EVIL world ?
- How can people do the unthinkable ?
- Why do good people do such shitty things ?
- Why do CHILDREN have to be VICTIMS ?
- God, what were you thinking when you gave man “free will” ?
- Why, God ? WTF ! I’m angry, confused. I just don’t understand.
And then the guilt. My guilt really hurts. It’s even painful.
- Everybody is feeling guilt right now.
- You’re asking, “What could I have done better or differently?”
- Everyone feels as if they could have somehow avoided this disaster.
- Was I available enough for a troubled soul to talk and heal ?
- Apparently not.
And, of course, NO ANSWERS SATISFY ME. And what’s the point of seeking answers? What if I did find quality answers to my questions? If I found an answer, my next question to that answer would be, “But WHY ?”
Empty and Helpless
Last night I found some temporary relief in ONE answer. One thought I found was: “The next time I hear a CRY FOR HELP from someone – anyone – I will take it MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY.”
No one should SUFFER SUCH PAIN that they seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I learned I will spend more time in prayer to ask God to guide me with the right words for the next hurting soul.
Obviously, my level of wisdom was not adequate. Yours either.
No one could ease Bill’s hurting soul.
Of course, my answer feels pretty empty since it can not change the outcome of this tragedy. I hear many people expressing this emptiness and helplessness in different ways.
Maybe we should STOP asking WHY.
And START doing the WHAT.
Kinds words heal and help – Proverbs 15:4 (The Message)
Kind actions heal and help as well.
WHAT can we DO right now – today – for those living and struggling with pain and anger ? See the link at the bottom to help in a tangible way. Some friends have provided a way to help financially. Click here to help.
After living in the emptiness and helplessness for a few days and nights, I’m embracing (trying to embrace) the “WHAT” TO DO and giving the “WHY” back to my creator.
I’m INTENTIONALLY investing more time in the living –
- my children,
- my grandchildren,
- my friends at Panera Bread,
- the children in the church nursery at Casa de Paz, and
- the parents at soccer practice.
And just because Bill’s life ended in a dark cloud of the unthinkable, I will NOT FORGET all of the GOOD that Bill did and all of the JOY that Bill brought to this world. This is an important part of my mourning process.
Yes, I feel confused.
- I do feel frustrated with my helplessness.
- I feel empty spiritually.
- I am angry at the situation.
And I’m angry with my friend, Bill.
But I will leave the hating to somebody else. Marley and Brodie are in a safe and comfortable place now. I am sad but I find peace in the thought of Marley and Brodie’s safety.
The Bill That I Know
I WILL NOT FORGET all of the GOOD that Bill did and all of the JOY that Bill brought to this world. This is an important part of my mourning process for Bill, Brodie and Marley. And for all of the family and friends.
I first met Bill Williams in the lobby of a local Springfield, Missouri business. In a short time Bill and I developed a strong working relationship and an even stronger friendship. Bill’s work ethic and integrity were exemplary. Bill was an intense person as an employee and manager.
Bill gave as much or more than what he demanded. We joked that we were both work addicts – when he called me at midnight and 3:00 a.m. while he was reviewing some files and had some questions.
On one extreme “snow/ice day” in Springfield, Bill left his home four hours early to arrive on time at the office where we had five people out of 250 able to get to work that day. Bill EARNED my RESPECT. Quickly.
You could ALWAYS DEPEND on Bill. Keeping commitments, delivering more than expected, and going the extra mile were all standard procedures for Bill.
Bill was professional, like-able and strived to mentor people around him.
Bill’s Daddy Style was consistent in his real life with what you saw on Facebook.
Bill had fun evenings and weekends planned for his children. Bill was always sharing his “daddy joys” on Facebook and with friends. Few men enjoyed being a daddy and grandpa more than Bill Williams.
Bill loved …
- camping OUTDOORS with his wife and children,
- camping INDOORS with his children in his apartment, and
- having fun and making GIANT KID MESSES with his children withOUT regard for keeping the house clean.
This was Bill’s Daddy Style.
Bill started hurting badly in November 2014. I remember the exact day – Nov 14 – Bill called after we had not spoken in a while. We talked on the phone four times that day.
Bill was struggling with divorce, child custody, time pressures, work challenges. It seemed like Bill was faced with an overwhelming tsunami of life issues.
Bill was immersed in a critical time of wondering what to do with the end of the 3rd quarter and the beginning of the 4th quarter of his life. And all of the emotional challenges that come with this period in life.
But Bill was sincerely SEEKING ANSWERS to make the next right decision. People who have struggled with this period in their lives can relate to the struggle and the pain.
Like everyone else, I was concerned for Bill’s safety. I requested that he remove all firearms from his residence, his car, or any place where he had access.
I NEVER FEARED for the lives of his children.
That’s NOT a consideration for a person like Bill.
I was so wrong.
Prayers for Marley, Brodie and Bill. And all family and friends. Now the family and friends need you and me to openly grieve with them. And cry with them.
We all need to heal.
Prayers for yourself too.
Please know that my thoughts are heartfelt. Maybe my words will help some of you. Maybe not.
If you wanna vent or express your thoughts, fell free below.
If you think this blogpost is SELF-SERVING, then just DELETE.
This is a LONG, LONG ROAD…
…to recovery and healing. For everyone.
Kind words heal and help – Proverbs 15:4 (The Message)
Kind actions heal and help as well.
If you want to help in a TANGIBLE WAY with EXPENSES for Marley, Brodie, and to help Brittnee Williams; click the link here to contribute financially.
Any amount is acceptable, and you can contribute anonymously.